SNAKES

There is a snake hereabouts called the Indigo snake. Not a native snake. I'm told the King ranch imported them from India years ago to help hold the rattler in check. Them indigo snakes eat rattlers, and they seem to've reduced the population considerable.

Late last Saturday I was walking along the south-west property line, and I come up on the damndest sight I ever seen.

One of them indigos, about three feet long, 'uz trying to swaller, tail first, a rattler just as big as he wuz. Now, the rattler didn't go fer that none 'tall,, an' he wuz kickin' 'n fussin' somut fierce. Finally the rattler got his head back to th' tail of the indigo an' started swallerin' him. It was quite a contest, to see which 'un 'ould swaller the other.

When both of 'em had about half the other'n swallered, they stopped fer a while. Guess they'uz tired, 'n needed to rest.

Then they started agin. Workin' their jaws, the way they do, swallerin' a inch at a time. Next thing I knowed, they was about six inches of the rattler hanging out of the indigo’s mouth, an' 'bout six or seven inches of the indigo sticking out of the rattler. They wuz bent around in a tiny circle, I didn't think they could bend that tight, but they kept on aworking.

'Bout that time a Mexican Eagle swooped down, looking to see if there wuz a meal. He saw me an' pulled up afore he got to the ground, and I watched him climb' back up to soar around, huntin'. I looked back down at the snakes, an' the indigo's head wuz sticking out of the rattler's mouth, and vice versy. 'n then there'uz a little puff of dust an' they both disappeared!!!

Caveat Emptor

 Searching for a house to buy. Explored a listing on the internet. Looked good. From the text description it would be pretty much ready to move in.

The outside appearance was immaculate. Appeared to have a new coat of paint; beautiful lush green yard …

So I saddled up and rode to view it.

Two words come to mind.

PaintShop. The software that allows a fat old man to appear young and fit.

And FRAUD.

I'd have bought the house shown in the pictures, at the asking price. But the house I saw would command a reduction in price of at least fifty percent.

The paint was scaling and peeling off — the house needed a pressure wash and a complete paint job.

Views shown by the Internet listing of the interior revealed pristine floors. Reality was damaged, warped, cracked — in need of complete renewal.

The misrepresented yard before the house was in reality devoid of grass, sparsely populated with scraggly weeds, exposing a lot of bare dirt.

If it ain't agin the law, it oughta be.

Caveat emptor ! Indeed ...

Indeed.

Wisdom

 In moments of silent introspection I am compelled to assess the reasons some find me so annoying.

Preeminent , it seems, is my haughty dispensation¹ of advice. To anyone. About anything.

So it follows, as the night the day, that I must take umbrage when an acquaintance instructs me in the manner of my existence.

I've been told that I'm a “know it all,” to which I arrogantly asserted “Well, I do!”

Please understand, I am humbly aware of my lack of education, and I am constantly amazed at the breadth of my ignorance. One thing I know, is that I don't know it all.

My "Well, I do" was merely an attempt to irritate my friend.

Worked.

Socrates Quotes

“I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

I presume to know SOME things — mostly unimportant trivialities. But when I see a friend about to eat a poisonous mushroom I am compelled to speak.

“Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead!”

Only yesterday an acquaintance recommended that I read a media article headed “Ways you can protect yourself against an STI.”

I had to look it up. I didn't know the meaning of the acronym “STI.”

“Well? Are you going to read it?”

I respectfully declined.

The insistence was almost overpowering.

Lighting a metaphorical cigarette, I paused, then revealed my qualifications:

“You are looking at a man who lived most of his life on the Texas Gulf Coast, enjoying all the splendors that the shoreline can provide. And in the 1960's I published a technique for avoiding shark attacks.”

“And?”

“It was widely accepted. Those who adopted and practiced it unnaminously praised it.”

    Predictably I was rebuked for the use of a non-word. I ignored it.

"Well?”

“What?”

“What is the technique to avoid a shark attack?”

I paused and lit another imaginary cigarette. Continuing,

“It is a two stage procedure. First, one must studiously inquire of the habits of the various species of shark.”

“So?”

“Well, then the technique reveals itself, for it is self-evident.”

I arose and walked to the door, to depart for my residence.

The intense, urgent, insistent demand followed me:

“But what is it? How do you do it?”

I borrowed from my experience in a marching band to adopt a staccato rhythm, timing each word with a step through the door:

“Stay ...

   out …

      of …

         the …

            water ...

So be it with STI.           Adios, MF!”

1 Dispensation is the act of dispensing or dealing out; distribution — I hadda look it up!

Equality

 Last Saturday night I went to a dance that promised popular country western

 dance music.

I was greeted at the door by the ticket taker, who collected my entrance fee. He

 asked me if I was carrying a gun.  When I answered “No” he handed me a 

Glock pistol, saying “Here, carry this —  you can check it in when you leave.”

Misdemeanor or Felony?

My first day on the job as a patrol officer -- I was assigned to a veteran officer. We set out to begin our evening shift on Friday evening.

The lead officer,  my partner, tossed me the keys to the unit. Saying “You drive.”

I drove along the bypass route of Highway 59 through the south side of town. 

A careless driver made an illegal turn right in front of our car.  I hit the siren and turned on the overheard red lights, stopping the car within a block.  I contacted the driver, who turned out to be a gorgeous young woman.  I let her go with a verbal  warning.

Back in the patrol car, I was rebuked by my partner.  It was within the duties of the lead officer who is riding with a rookie to provide guidance in procedures, so I listened respectfully.

His rebuke was not for letting her off —  but for stopping her immediately.

“You should have followed along for a few blocks, to see what else she might do.”

The next night, he was driving when a vehicle sped past our marked unit in a grossly disrespectful  display of arrogance.

I expected an immediate pursuit and stop, but my partner followed at some distance — finally stopping the motorist about four blocks later.

I sat in the unit, watching, mystified, while he wrote ten tickets.

I demanded – no, I requested an explanation.  Respectfully.

“Why did you write so many tickets.”  

He explained that he wrote a ticket for each crosswalk that the driver drove across at an excessive speed while we were following him.  

 “But why?”

He said

               “Well, his name was Donald J Thump.”